Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Don't Look Back

I have recently learned a very valuable lesson here. This lesson revolves around the rear view mirror effect. It's an urge you have to relive something or see something one last time after you're miles and probably ions away from it.

Fate would have it that within the last two weeks, I've managed to reconnect with 3 exes. I had different, but genuine feelings for all three of them. I also managed to engage in some form of intimacy with all three of them. It just happened and I didn't stop it.

However, it did let me know that it was indeed over between us. I'm not even interested in having either of them as cut buddies because of the mere fact that there are (were) feelings there. I want to walk the single landscape face forward with no steps back.

I love them all for different reasons, but I learned that an ex is an ex for a reason. I kept running in my mind from time to time, the good times that we had, the good sex, the good laughs, but I think I skewed my vision as to what went wrong.

I was reminded at some point during my interaction with the 3 as to why we could never be,

Ex # 1- He started talking that crazy ish. (He's saying let's be cut buddies when he really means let's get that old thing back.) Sex was cool with him, but it's not enough for me to get him back started into his stalker tendencies. I would not be able to live my life in peace if we continued down that road. He's a definite HELL to The NAW.

Ex# 2 - We have grown so far apart. We are still friends. I'd still do anything for him, but we've clearly moved on with our lives. The break up was majority my fault because I didn't know what I wanted. By the time I figured it out, he had moved on. We used to have some real good sex. This time was slightly different. I didn't want it. I kind of went along for him, but it was clear and apparent that the thrill was gone there. Afterwards, we just laid there. He was in my arms, with his head on my chest. I didn't say anything, but I could feel the tears rolling down my shoulder on to the pillow. He knew.

Ex # 3- He is younger than me and he recently went off to pursue his B.A, upon getting his Associates Degree. He was willing to try the long distance thing, but I felt in taking his age into consideration and the distance that it was best that we tried to maintain a friendship. I know how curious I was at that age. I didn't want him hung up over me or feeling any guilt or regrets. I want him to definitely do his thing, but I didn't want to go through the whole "trust" thing. We had only really been serious for about 6 months before he left. I didn't want to try the long distance thing when we were in the infancy of our relationship. It's no hard feelings here. I just wanted this young brother to have the same breathing room I was alloted to find myself. He's cool and I'm cool.

I think the best way for me to navigate through this landscape and avoid the occasional rewind is to avoid my exes like the plague. With # 1, that won't be a problem. With #2 and # 3, we'll see. I think we'll be able to coexist with no problem or misconception. It is what it is. No sugar coat.

1 comment:

BronzeBuckaroo said...

From the way this post read, you are going to do okay.

I mean, regardless of anything with your 3 x's, you grew by learning something about yourself which will make you ready for your next relationship. Maybe the next one will be that "one" special guy.